What It Means: From Celchyth, the landing place (hyth) of chalk or limestone (celc), Chelchede in the Domesday Book.
Why It's There: a market garden for London, but by the 17th century had already become "a village of palaces." Over 200 years as home to Enlightenment writers, a Victorian artist colony, between-the-wars bohemians, the Kings Road of the Swinging Sixties, and celebs, bankers and oiligarchs of today, some of them even British. Average house price £1.5 million - for a flat. The £8.3 million for a semi would buy you well over 100 Middlesbrough terraces, though without three levels of swimming pool, garage, private cinema and panic room underneath.
Why They're There: founded in in 1905 as a pure business speculation by two builders who'd bought an old athletics track, failed to sell it to Fulham FC and a railway company, then somehow got elected to the league within weeks before playing a single game or even signing a single player, thoroughly miffing half the Southern League who'd been trying for years.
First Footing: Boxing Day 1907, Chelsea's first season in Division One.
The Field of Dreams: next to a bridge over Stamford Creek, a stream running into the Thames, and Chelsea and Fulham station, which annoyingly never reopened after wartime bombing. Staged three FA Cup finals, rugby, baseball, greyhounds, speedway, a world Shinty championship, American Football (despite the pitch being officially too small), and the first day-night cricket game in England, between Essex and West Indies. Came full circle under Ken Bates with Chelsea Village, a hotel/restaurant/flats/retail complex with a football ground attached, all of which is now to be demolished and replaced with a new 60,000-seater stadium. And with it hopefully will go Boro's dismal record there, five wins and 37 defeats in 55 visits; three goals in the last 38 years. Harald Hardrada has a better record at Stamford Bridge than Boro.
Local Heroes: Peter Osgood, Gianfranco Zola, Frank Lampard, Charlie Cooke, Roy Bentley, Ron Harris, Jose Mourinho, and during WWII, George Hardwick. Plus of course Ken Bates, saviour from bankruptcy with the best £1 he ever spent, and Roman Abramovich, who paid him 140 million times as much, then spent as much on winning trophies as it would have cost to buy most of the surrounding streets.
Local Villains: traditionally Fulham, Brentford (in the thirties and forties) and QPR (the seventies onwards); from the sixties onwards, Leeds - the 1970 FA Cup final replay would have to be abandoned today as there wouldn't be enough players left on the field; they genuinely detested each other; and the Football League, who told them not to get involved with the funny foreigners in their new-fangled European Cup in 1955. It was 44 years before they finally did.
High Point: five titles, all three European trophies (the Cup-Winners' Cup twice), seven FA Cups, five League Cups and of course the 1990 ZDS Cup.
Low Point: surviving the drop to Division Three on the final day in 1983 (with a goalless draw at home to Boro, when any three of 10 clubs could have gone down). And just surviving anyway, with gates down to 7,000 a perspective for modern supporters like those Fabulous Geordie Fans c. 1991.
Boro Highs: 3-2 (December 1912 and October 1933), 1-0 (April 1926 and January 1938), 2-1 (March 1975), the only wins; and 0-1 (May 1988), 2-1 aggregate win in Play Off final.
Boro Lows: 0-5 (February 1952 and February 1996), 0-4 (January 1932 and April 1993).
Hello to: Simon Beaton (February 1910), John Davison (November 1919), Billy Pease, Jim Mathieson and Joe Miller (August 1926), Norman Malan (May 1947), Rolando Ugolini and Tom Blenkinsopp - not that one - (August 1948), Jim Hartnett, second time round (October 1953), Dwight Marshall (April 1993), Dean Windass (March 2001), Marlon King (January 2009)
Goodbye to: Arthur Urquhart (December 1907), George Burton (February 1910), Andy Wilson and William Fox (November 1923), Herbert Watson (January 1932), Charlie Scrimshaw (January 1939), George Dews and Bobby Stuart (October 1947), Paddy Johnston (August 1948), Ian Ironside (April 1993)
Hello and Goodbye to: William Flint (February 1910), John Surtees - not that one - (January 1932)
Boro Hero: Jackie Carr (December 1912) and George Camsell (October 1933) two goals in 3-2 wins, and the only players ever to score twice there; Alan Willey and John Craggs (March 1975), scorers in the last win, and Wilf Mannion (January 1938), the last before that, with the only goal in injury time.
Boro Villain: Joe Payne (January 1939) hat-trick in 2-4; Seamus D'Arcy (February 1952) hat-trick in 0-5; Gavin Peacock (February 1996), hat-trick in 0-5; Gary Pallister (September 1998) and Abel Xavier (February 2007) own goals.
Boro Bogeyman: Roberto di Matteo (September 1996) not just the cup final goals and the 0-5 West Brom humiliation but only goal of the game, without which Boro would have stayed up.
Boro Bad Boy: Terry Cooper (March 1975), off for foul and abusive language, but "nothing I hadn't said before on a pitch," prompting Jack Charlton, using similar adjectives, to suggest the ref stick to Sunday School games.
Bad Boy Blue: Carlo Cudicini January 2003) off in FA Cup tie for objecting to Dean Windass's homage to Nat Lofthouse by shoulder charging keeper and ball over the line. The objection took the form of a knee in Windass's face, later ruled accidental.
Typical Boro: 0-2 (November 1923), straight afterwards Boro sold Andy Wilson for a record £6,000 - to Chelsea, which with both in the bottom three was like selling Alvaro Negredo to Swansea. He was top scorer with eight goals, and still top when Boro were relegated five months later, losing 19 games by a single goal. Chelsea were also relegated, and he was top scorer for them as well.
110 years at Stamford Bridge in Microcosm: 1-2 (March 1950), Boro were a goal down and lost George Hardwick and Peter McKennan to knee injuries, Tom Blenkinsopp, who should have also gone off with a leg injury, hobbled about on the left wing, and Tom Woodward then got kicked and had to limp on the right. Wilf Mannion equalised with what he considered the best goal he ever scored, beating three players from the second half kick-off, playing a 1-2 with Johnny Spuhler, and hitting the return in from 25 yards. This was two decades before the days of substitutes, so the seven fit men and two walking wounded held out until injury time, when a Bobby Campbell shot bounced off the bar, hit Spuhler, and went in for an own goal.
Almost 1066 Stamford Bridge: 1) May 1983, after the goalless draw that kept both teams up (yes, Chelsea were within 90 minutes of Division Three) the home end invaded the pitch, trying to get at the Boro fans, like the storming of Aqaba scene in Lawrence of Arabia, but the running track and advertising hoardings delayed them just long enough for a police and stewards protective wall. 30 minutes after the game a group of police horses choreographed like a Busby Berkley musical cleared them. The pitch, deep, lush green at 5 pm, resembled a Ford Cortina vinyl roof from an episode of The Sweeney, dark brown, lumpy and completely grassless.
2) May 1988, a pincer attack on Boro fans behind the goal after the 1-0 Play Off final defeat (but 2-1 win on aggregate), and even the suits didn't escape. Boro fans, including the official party, were put in the bottom of the triple-decker stand, upon which rained seats, bottles and cans, containing various organic fluids. High-level complaints, not least from Stuart Bell MP, resulted in the terraces being closed for the first few games of the next season.
That Cup Jinx Explained: Celchyth could also be from old English Caelic - a cup......
Cultural Contribution: It was at Stamford Bridge where Henry Kissinger heard a typically tasteless, obscene chant from the home fans, and observed that "only the British could make profanity into an artform." This was irony indeed coming from the man who'd tried to bomb Cambodia out of existence and then collected the Nobel Peace Prize.
Your Boys Took One Hell of a Beating: Damon Albarn, Joe Strummer, David Baddiel, Mark Ronson, Trevor Nelson (who chose them over West Ham as he liked the blue shirts), Justin Rose, Denis Waterman, and the ultimate metropolitan elite - Lords and knights like Sebastian Coe, Richard Attenborough, Steve Redgrave, Ben Ainslie, Michael Caine, John Mills, John Major and Peter Blake, now celebrating the 50th anniversary of designing the sleeve for Sergeant Pepper. Suggs, responsible for that song, written for Wembley in 1997, and suffered many times since (and will boom round the ground after this game, whatever the result); and of course another ex-politician, David Mellor, who managed to surpass even the embarrassments of his private life by accusing Boro fans at the FA Cup final of chanting "Sieg Heil." They were shouting "three points" at FA secretary Graham Kelly.